are you there?

Jesus said, “I am with you for only a short time, and then I am going to the one who sent me."

- John 7:33

 

Where are you, God?

I have felt that a lot over the past few days.

I mean I know, that He is there, I know that He loves me, but the deep wrenching pain that I have felt at the loss of my mother followed by the sudden personal illness I experienced, well, it has me feeling a little lost.

I have had an outpouring of support from family, friends and friends of my mother’s that I did not know, but it is not easing the pain much. 

My mother had suffered from Alzheimer’s disease for over a decade, so in reality I had lost her many years ago. 

But the anguish I felt holding her hand in her last few hours, receiving the phone call that she had passed, the pressure of making all of the arrangements and trying to accommodateeveryone was overwhelming. 

I am broken.

I know I angered some family members in the process, sorry/not sorry.

Some people didn’t understand why I chose my husband and myself to deliver her eulogy at all three services, those people didn’t know my mother, she would have been mortified to have a stranger speak about her as though they had been part of her life.

I am broken.

But I will heal.

I have heard from a significant number of people telling me they miss the daily bread. 

I am going back to one of my standby phrases, song reference: Even If by MercyMe: 
It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now
I am broken.  
I am going to take the next 17 days to do some soul searching. 

I won’t be at work, I might not be on social media, I may not answer my phone or respond to text messages.

I will be back.

Stronger, because

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13