are you there?

Jesus said, “I am with you for only a short time, and then I am going to the one who sent me."

- John 7:33

 

Where are you, God?

I have felt that a lot over the past few days.

I mean I know, that He is there, I know that He loves me, but the deep wrenching pain that I have felt at the loss of my mother followed by the sudden personal illness I experienced, well, it has me feeling a little lost.

I have had an outpouring of support from family, friends and friends of my mother’s that I did not know, but it is not easing the pain much. 

My mother had suffered from Alzheimer’s disease for over a decade, so in reality I had lost her many years ago. 

But the anguish I felt holding her hand in her last few hours, receiving the phone call that she had passed, the pressure of making all of the arrangements and trying to accommodateeveryone was overwhelming. 

I am broken.

I know I angered some family members in the process, sorry/not sorry.

Some people didn’t understand why I chose my husband and myself to deliver her eulogy at all three services, those people didn’t know my mother, she would have been mortified to have a stranger speak about her as though they had been part of her life.

I am broken.

But I will heal.

I have heard from a significant number of people telling me they miss the daily bread. 

I am going back to one of my standby phrases, song reference: Even If by MercyMe: 
It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now
I am broken.  
I am going to take the next 17 days to do some soul searching. 

I won’t be at work, I might not be on social media, I may not answer my phone or respond to text messages.

I will be back.

Stronger, because

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

I’m not strong

Finally, let the mighty strength of the Lord make you strong.

- Ephesians 6:10 (CEV)

 

I have to confess something, and it’s a little weird.

I have been deceiving my friends and family for a long time.

You see, they all think that I am this super strong person that can handle anything that is thrown my way.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Earlier this year I was struggling with a lot going wrong in my world and I felt like some people knew what was going on and still expected me to shoulder their problems while dealing with my own. 
The past week has been a waterfall of tragedy and emotion, I am literally watching my mother die from complications of a fall compiled with her Alzheimer’s disease, and it is heart wrenching to watch her struggle for every breath.

Newsflash – I’m broken too, I’m not that strong.

I had to lean on God, and when I say lean on Him, I literally mean fall on the floor at His feet and give it all to Him because I just could not.

Song reference:

There's a name that can silence every fear

There's a love that embraces

The heartache, the pain and the tears

Through my faith and my doubting

I know one thing for sure

His word is unfailing

His promise secure

Everything will be alright

The whole world's in His hands

Your whole world's in His hands

In the darkness and the trials

He's faithful and He's true

The whole world's in His hands

Oh-oh oh-oh-oh

Everything will be alright

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Yeah

Father, You say everything is gonna be alright

But my circumstances say I won't last through the night

I need Your word to hold me now, need You to pull me through

I need a miracle, a breakthrough, I need You

They say You hold the whole universe in Your hand

But my world's falling apart like it is made of sand

Am I small enough to slip through the cracks?

Can You take my broken pieces and put them back?

Give me faith to believe You are on my side

Open my eyes to see You working in my life

Let the past remind me You never fail

Tell my soul "It is well" (oh)

Everything will be alright

The whole world's in His hands

Your whole world's in His hands

In the darkness and the trials

He's faithful and He's true

Your whole world's in His hands

Oh-oh oh-oh-oh

Everything will be alright (everything will be alright)

Oh-oh oh-oh-oh

Everything will be alright

Oh-oh oh-oh-oh (eh-yeh)

He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole wide world in His hands
It is hard to believe that God can take our brokenness and turn it into good, but He can.

We probably won’t see it at first, it may take months or even years, but He will give us the strength we need to carry on.

I’m still here – that is your proof that God has made me strong.   

 

#dailybreadbykitty

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in the presence of greatness

Let us come into His presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to Him with songs of praise!

- Psalm 95:2 (ESV)

 

This is a really powerful verse!

We are allowed, encouraged and welcomed into the presence of the King!

We can take everything, every little thing to our Father and He will listen, He is a wonderful Father.

Song reference:

Found in Your hands, fullness of joy

Every fear suddenly wiped away here in Your presence

All of my gains now fade away

Every crown no longer on display, here in Your presence

Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders

The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed

Here in Your presence, we are undone

Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one

Here in Your presence, all things are new

Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

Even when I am hurting, even when I am asking “why” while watching my mother suffer through her illness, I am always thankful for His presence in my life, because I would not have my life without Him.

 

#dailybreadbykitty

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it’s really sad

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

- John 16:22 (NIV)

 

December can be a very trying month.

People suffer from seasonal affective disorder (depression associated with late autumn and winter and though to be caused by a lack of light), and dealing with holidays after loved ones are no longer here on earth.  
Personally I am dealing with my own grief right now, having placed my mother in hospice care yesterday.
I have known this day would come since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in 2008 but I guess I had always hoped that she would pass quickly and painlessly rather than have to endure the suffering that she has. 
The whole situation has me experiencing a whole gamut of emotions. 

We all deal with our depression, sadness and mourning in different ways, but one thing to remember is this – we have joy in Jesus.

This verse is set in the middle of the conversation that Jesus had with His disciples shortly before He was arrested, He is telling the disciples that He is going to die, but that they will see Him again.

He is telling them that it is OK for them to mourn, that when they see Him again, they will rejoice!

We can be assured by the words of Jesus that one day, we will see our loved ones again.

Someday we all will be reunited, not only with our own families and loved ones, but also with the people of God from all ages.

In heaven we will all be one loving family, a huge family, and we will spend our eternity in rich, unending fellowship with those we loved here on Earth.

Yes, it definitely is acceptable to mourn the passing of a loved one, we have to process these losses and still remember that we’ll be with them again.  
Our sorrow will turn to joy when we rest our gaze on the face of our Heavenly Father, and go running to His arms.

 

#dailybreadbykitty

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